I started writing in a gratitude journal last year and found it really helpful. It set the tone for my day and helped me take some time out to remember the good in my life. I think it also set a good example for anyone that read it. That wasn’t the only reason I wrote it though. There was a part of me that wanted people to think I had my shit together and had an awesome life. I feel quite lame writing that but it’s the truth.

I’ve gotten away from writing in it every day because I have been doing so many other things. I need to get back to it. I don’t want to create a gratitude journal again though. I want something more real. Like a vulnerability journal. I’m going to write a few things that I am the most anxious or uncertain about for the coming days. It will help me own them and get them out of my head. Maybe it will help you feel more connected to me. I crave a sense of connection with people. I was never aware of that about myself.

Here we go:

  • I feel like my writing is garbage and that I don’t know what I am talking about. I am writing about tribalism right now and I feel like I am trying to impersonate an anthropologist – poorly.
  • I am stressed out about letting a friend down on another project we are working on.  It’s a great idea and has a ton of potential but I’m not pulling my weight and I hate that feeling.  A part of me feels like I can’t even take it on right now but I committed myself to doing it.
  • Why do I have to weigh myself every morning?  It’s the very first thing I do when I get up in the morning.  Every fucking day. I don’t know why I bother -I can tell to within a tenth of a pound what the result is going to be just by looking at myself in the mirror.  That sounds so fucked up when I read it back to myself.
  • I have to go out of town for a few days for work and I am dreading it.  I don’t want to go and I don’t want to do what I will be doing there.  I feel like an imposter there too.  I need to find a way to make the best of it.
  • I often have this feeling that I am not doing enough.  It’s a constant companion and its impacting my ability to be present.  I want to be present in every moment so I can truly be there and make the most of it.  Why do I want to make the most of it?  Why can’t I just let each moment just be what it is?   This is the shit that goes on in my head.  Drinking was simpler in some ways.  Don’t worry – I’m not going to drink.
  • When I started making this list I had it as a numbered list.  I wanted to get to at least five.  I love numbers and I thought if I got to five I could show people how vulnerable I was being. Like if I only wrote four then I would be being less vulnerable.  I quantify the fuck out of everything.

Gratitude

  • I am so grateful for the feelings of love I have when I came home to Tanja and Mel yesterday.  Those hugs are like nothing else.
  • I am grateful for getting to take Chloe to cheerleading competitions.  She is so fierce and determined.  She’s learning so many lessons about life.  I love that she gives 110% always.  I learn from her as much as she learns from me.
  • I’m grateful that I am writing a book.  Despite all the angst it causes me, I know its what I need to be doing.  I want to leave a lasting legacy on this world and I’m honored my publisher is taking a chance with me.
  • I’m grateful that my writing all this stuff down is making me feel calmer and more at peace
  • I’m grateful that I listened to the Unbeatable Mind audio book on our road trip this weekend.  I learned a technique called Box Breathing that I find super helpful.
  • I am grateful for today.  What are you grateful for?