Note from Tanja: You know what makes you instantly vulnerable? Being a mother. Constance Hall has been letting us see inside her head and home for over ten years. I’m honoured to be a fellow Queen and glad to have a forum to share one of her many brutally honest posts. Bet you can’t read just one.

Yesterday at my place.

The twins have a cold,

They are ok, just ruining my life by crying, screaming, fighting each other for their rights to lie on my torso and scream. Stalking me, they thoroughly believe chasing me around the house and screaming will improve their health. My house feels like a scene out of The Walking Dead.

Bill has hired a chick to come over and clean my bathroom, it’s possible that my family has had a meeting about my “coping” behind my back. I don’t care, my bathrooms getting cleaned #win.

I freak out that the chick is judging the fact that my bathroom smells like an alley way behind a pub. One of the kids must be pissing in the shower. I pretend I’m shocked by the smell.

7pm Twins are done, I have lost it, can’t keep them awake any longer, it looks like even they are grieving my sanity.

Arlo doesn’t want dinner, it must be ground hog day, no fucks, he can have a can of tuna.

I put the twins to bed, everyone has always said that controlled crying will give them issues, well there is nothing controlled about this, they are crying, there is 2 of them, 1 one of me, I don’t have enough hands.

They cry themselves to sleep, it takes 12 seconds, I’m pretty sure they won’t grow up feeling abandoned. Fingers crossed.

9pm kids bed time. I have pretty much given up on Billie-V and Arlo going to bed in their own beds, I’m surprised that they let me sleep in my own bed with them and haven’t done some sort of controlled crying on me.

They won’t go to bed until I do and there isn’t enough hours in the day for me to introduce some kind of super nanny routine.

Everyone says they will have attachment issues because they co-sleep. Between that and the twins abandonment issues I can only hope that the shrink does family discounts.

I turn off the lights and lie with them shushing them, separating them, threatening to tell Billie-Vs teacher tomorrow that she won’t sleep. She tells me I’m the worst, I care not.

Bill goes to bed on the mattress in the next room, we don’t even bother suggesting otherwise anymore. No time for romance or even saying goodnight to each other, it’s great when your relationship evolves to a place where you no longer need to talk/look at each other/communicate.

Everyone says that the relationship needs the parent to sleep in the same bed. Family shrink.

9.45 Kids and I asleep.

12am Rumi wakes up, I go in, top up his panadol and give him another bottle.

I go back to sleep.

1am Snow wakes up, really hot. I give her medicine, swap beds with Bill so that I can co-sleep with Snow and make sure her temp goes down.

Bill brings her cold flannels.

After an hour her temp feels normal, I fall asleep.

4am Arlo wakes up and screams at me for leaving him #shitmum, I call out that I will be right back, that wakes Snow up again, I pat her on the bum, she goes back to sleep and thank fuck Arlo went back to sleep, reassured that I wasn’t lying about coming back. I was lying #shitmum.

5am Rumi is coughing, I lie there listening for something that sounds chokey, he’s fine, I can’t sleep, keep thinking that he might have choked in silence, I get up, check on him. He’s fine.👊🏼

I go back to sleep.

6am the rubbish truck wakes up Snow and Rumi. I want to punch the fuck-truck. Cunt truck. Fuck.

I get up.

Billie-Violet wakes up, tells me that she had a nightmare because I left them by themselves. Thank god I have her to remind me that I’m a #shitmum.

I boil the kettle and chuck the crown back on.

Ready to fight another day.

Definitely not a #shitmum

👊🏼👑💅🏼 wish me luck Queenies xxx