I woke up having an anxiety attack at about 11 pm last night and it was awful. I awoke from an intense dream that doesn’t take a PhD. in psychology to figure out.
I was driving in a car with Tanja and I started to swerve all over the place. I was careening into snowbanks and knocking over garbage cans. There was part of me that felt like I was doing it on purpose and another part of me that felt totally out of control.
We got to a restaurant in Wortley Village and there was a woman sitting there that we know. She is a local fitness entrepreneur who is doing really well for herself. She was with two new entrepreneurs who were starting their own business. I felt resentment towards them. At this point in my dream, my world felt like it was spinning out of control.
I sprinted away from there to our house which happened to be the first apartment Cindy and I ever lived in. Along the way I bought a pack of smokes. I smoked three cigarettes in a row inside the apartment. I was about to spray air freshener when I heard Tanja and the kids coming down the hallway. I ran out into the hallway to try to stop them from coming in. That’s when I woke up.
Tanja heard me breathing hard and woke up. She talked me through it. Thank god for that, it really helped. It’s pretty obvious what this is all about. I’m scared.
I’m not scared of building something and having it fail. I’m scared of never being able to make a difference in the first place. What if all this work and effort never amounts to anything at all?
I’m scared of writing this book and being exposed as a total fucking fraud. Who am I to be writing a book? Do I even deserve the help of this great man and author that is mentoring me through the process?
I’m scared of losing myself in all this. I sometimes feel that I can’t stop or else I will lose ground. I have difficulty taking downtime. I’m trying to pivot my entire career and the trajectory of my life. How does watching a TV show support that? It feels like a waste of time.
Sometimes forging ahead into the unknown makes me feel out of control. Like I have no idea what is going to happen. Do I even know what I am working toward? If I don’t, is it Ok?
Will I ever be the type of person that can just take a break or will there always be something new? What does that mean for me and my life? Ultimately I want peace in my life but sometimes I feel that by trying to help other people have it I am wrecking my own chances of achieving it.
And yet I know that this is all part of the process. I won’t let my fears hold me back. I did that for a long time in my life and I know it doesn’t work. I know that the book I write will be amazing. I care deeply about the subject and I have a outstanding mentor. I know that I already have made a difference and that can never be taken away. I will find peace. And through it all I will have have my beautiful wife by my side. She’s pretty great at talking me off the ledge 🙂
It gets overwhelming sometimes is all. In the past I would have hidden these feelings away and not spoken about them. I would have seen them as weak. When we expose our fears to light they lose their power over us. I’m so grateful that I have the courage to do that now.