This song is about the pain I went through for so long and the how I found my way back.. I grew up in a secular family. In what seemed like the blink of an eye I became strictly religious.
It felt like my life had been torn from me overnight. My family was torn apart as well
I couldn’t do anything or resist it becauseI was terrified. All I’ve been taught is to live in fear of life itself. I should stay at home rather than actually live. I bought those lies and manipulations from my parents and teachers. From everyone. In time I found myself wishing for death.
I was so stressed out. I was terrified of being forced to unwanted marriage. I spent six years as a puppet. Six years listening to people tell me “it’s for my own good”. I let them pull my strings.
One day I just had enough. I had to fight to get myself back.
I went to therapy. Then I went to circus school.
Flying the trapeze gave me my wings back. Then I went to acting school where I found peace and relief. Finally, I went to music school and have just graduated.
Creation gave me peace 🙂
Her hands were shaking,
Cuz She grabbed one of her dusty tapes,
“Recordings of my past”
Screamed the label,
She ignored it and plugged in the cable,
Of an old VCR she kept,
For maybe playing in the future one of her cassettes.
-“Oh my god im going to hit play”-
She was going to hear what she used to say,
First four minutes were kind of a success,
Until the fifth came in and started making a mess,
Bit by bit it reminded her of the suppressed,
Of a little child who tried to do her best.
Mom could never be wrong,
Mom would never put me to the test,
But she was wrong,
So dad, dad would never ever pick a side right?
He loves me the most and I know it cuz I was told to be bright.
But yet again she had no chance at this game,
Being manipulated by the both of them,
-“We love you, of course we do,
It’s for your best so do what you are told to!”-
-“I remember being hesitant,
I had a hunch,
It felt like being punched.
I heard a loud DON’T DO IT voice”-
But it felt like she had no choice.
At least not then, when her bubble kept her still,
A bubble they accused her to live in when they provided the bubble skin.
It was a sold act of yes and no and back and forth,
But she knew this offer wasn’t really a choice.
She was led to believe it’s for her own sake,
So she took it on and swallowed the bate
A human fillet diced and served,
A numb soul doing what she was told.
Till the armor starts to crack,
From being so dam full and packed,
Leaking lies through the cracks,
You can’t avoid anymore cuz they attack.
Oh those lies,
Having more than just nine lives,
Patiently waiting to come alive.
And when they do,
They are shameless and be sure they will tell you,
Exactly what happened and exactly why,
And they don’t give a fuck cuz they are a lie.
It’s hard to peel your skin off even if it’s in order to grow,
It hard to tear down the world you used to know.
Like they say,
Constructions may take a while,
And all you see is chaos in piles on piles on piles.
But I guess the dust, the mess and all the rest is worthwhile,
Cuz at the end you see the most beautiful wild,
Untrained and gorgeously full of colors,
One of those sights you can’t buy for any amount of dollars.
In the dust of her ruins,
She found this old tape,
A tape that reminded her of a one little mistake,
That such beautiful wild can never be tamed,
And it was silly of her to think she wasn’t that wild at first.