Note from Jason: I don’t want to endorse any particular modality. At the same time I don’t want to exclude any aspects of our stories. Access Consciousness worked for Kelly in a powerful way so its important that you know that. I want us all to be open to the idea of possibilities. There are limitless options out there to change our lives.
Kelly’s story is powerful and gripping and I am so grateful she has chosen to share it.
I was a very naïve teenager. I went to boarding school, and not your average run of the mill school, it was the Royal Ballet School in the middle of a huge park in London and I grew up in a protected bubble.
I didn’t date, in fact I hadn’t even kissed anyone until I was 18! And I only did that once!
So when I got a job in Germany on an RAF base and was literally surrounded by men, my whole world was opened up. Dramatically. And not kindly.
I was almost 20 and tagged along with some girlfriends to a party on camp. I had a kick ass dancers body so I dressed up, wore a short skirt and had a few drinks and a dance. I was having a great time! And then I noticed a guy looking at me. He was very handsome with a great smile and all the girls wanted him to talk to them. And he chose me (me!). He bought me a drink and we had a chat.
At the end of the night, he asked me to his room to ‘watch a video’ and embarrassingly that’s honestly what I thought he meant. Let’s just say that he didn’t. And I was raped.
I didn’t tell anyone. I thought that as I had gone to his room willingly and as I had worn something ‘sexy’ then it was my fault. I deserved it.
For 10 years I kept it bottled up inside me, eating away at my self esteem, body, relationships. Not acknowledging it even happened. Every time I looked at this beautiful body I had created, all I could think was that men wanted to fuck me and that was the sum total of me. And I let them. And I hated myself and hated my body. I couldn’t sleep in the same bed as a man and could barely be touched by anyone. And still I didn’t tell anyone.
So fast forward a few more years and I came to Australia. I met a guy and tried to be what he wanted me to be in the bedroom (a trick that I had learned pretty well by then, basically by leaving my body any time there was a whiff of intimacy and being a ‘show pony’ using every trick in the book to keep him occupied) and for a few months it worked. Then one day during sex I had a flash back and totally freaked out.
So I chose to see a sex therapist who I saw for 3 years. And we rehashed my ‘story’ in different guises over and over and over again in that period and I never moved forward. Because no matter how much I talked it through and did the exercises he gave me, it was so tightly locked in my body that, although my head may have felt a little clearer (I’d shoved it in the little Pandora’s box of my mind!), after 3 years I didn’t feel much better about me!
I tried so many modalities to feel happy. To try to ‘find’ me. And some of them worked for about 5 minutes but I always stepped back into the hatred and judgement of me and my body. I was small, insignificant, hidden, worthless. And every relationship I chose continued to perpetrate that theme.
And so we fast forward to the last 10 months. I got my Bars run for the first time and all of this came up in the session (I didn’t open my mouth but my body made the facilitator very aware of it!) and we did some clearing around it. And something changed in that first hour. And as I got my Bars run more often and started choosing a different reality, a different possibility, the shit I had carried for so long ebbed away. Literally. Just wasn’t there anymore. I had space and I started to recognise my magnificent glory.
And my body came alive. And new people came into my life and gifted me allowance,A a space of no judgement, kindness and play! Wow!
And now I get to create and choose something else with regards to sex that works for me and my body. A totally new space of being, infinite possibilities!
You mean sex can be FUN??? And kind? And expansive? Hell yeah! And it doesn’t look like anything I have ever chosen, or even considered, before! And I am so, so grateful for that.
So why am I sharing this intensely personal story with the big wide world of blogging you may ask?
Because the Bars and the super pragmatic tools of Access have changed so much for me and my body. And if by sharing what occurred in my life changes something, however small and seemingly insignificant, for someone else then it’s been a phenomenal day!
Do I have the answers? Nope.
But maybe I can invite you to a space that could open up a different possibility for you and your body? And I can be that space for you if you desire to choose something different.
And I’ll have your back.
What if you could change your reality with your body, with sex, with relationship to something that works for you?
Whatever that looks like? However it shows up?
And what if you never had to hide you ever again?